In this article you’re going to learn what self-love really is based on my own path of transformation and my work as a Rapid Transformational Hypnotherapist over the last years.

(And self-love probably isn’t what you think it is at all)

You’ll also learn exactly what to do to cultivate more self-love, the signs that you might need more of it, and what it might feel like as you truly start embracing and practising it.

Just a quick note before we begin - all views in this article are my own musings, philosophies and ideas based on a devotional path of inner exploration and my committed work supporting others on their path. Take what is helpful, and discard what is not.

“You just need to love yourself”, they say, as if it’s an exam you’re supposed to have passed at school.

You know, as if everyone else has learned something you haven’t.

And it’s the “just” in that sentence, isn’t it?

As if it’s so easy and simple - “just love yourself”.

If it was that easy, then we’d all be doing it, wouldn’t we?!

You’ll see advice and tips all over the place on how to “just” love yourself.

They are strewn all over Instagram with pretty spiritual looking stock graphics…

You might learn something along the lines of:

• “Light some candles and incense, put your favourite music on and have a long relaxing bath”

• “Take yourself out on a nature walk, sit with a tree and do some journaling”

• “Go book yourself a massage”

• “Write down all the things you love about yourself”

• “Look in the mirror everyday and say I am enough, I love myself over and over until you believe it”

And while I agree these are all lovely and beautiful things to do for yourself (I highly recommend everybody do some or all of them), these actions in and of themselves are not self-love. 

Because self-love isn’t a doing. Self-love isn’t an action.

It’s a feeling, an experience, a felt sense that ripples through body, heart and mind.

Self-love is a knowing that ripples within you. 

Self-love is the essence that informs and inspires the doing and the action.

For example, going to the gym is not an act of self-love in and of itself.

In fact, going to the gym can be an act of self-harm, of addiction, or it can be a way to repress and deny emotions.

Going to the gym can also be a desperate act of trying to prove that you’re worthy and good enough.

None of this is self-love, and yet you’re taking an action that looks like it on the surface, right?

So what is self-love?

Self-love is the feeling, the experience and the felt-sense in body, heart and mind as you go to the gym and do your workout.

Self-love is a much deeper, more profound and radical spiritual practice than just ‘doing a thing’ for the sake of doing it because you think it’s good for you.

And it’s a spiritual practice that very few of us get taught. Most of us either don’t learn it at all, and at worst we get taught to do the opposite!

It’s certainly something that took me until my late 30’s to truly understand and start to embody, and it’s something I am still learning every single day.

It’s also something that so many clients I’ve worked with over the last 10 years have needed support with.

How To Practice Self-Love

So, let’s take the gym and exercise example…

When you exercise, how can you cultivate a feeling inside that is more expanded, kinder, inspiring and self-loving?

You can find your own creative ways, but here are some suggestions of what it might look, sound and feel like:

• As you start to move your body, you notice the miracle that you even have a body at all.

• You open yourself to the feeling of awe at how the body is able to move based on an instruction you give it from your brain. 

• You begin to lift the weights or do the exercises a little slower and more mindfully, blossoming into to a sense of wonder at what is really going on here.

• You find your body starts moving as an artist, with more creativity and grace, rather than a sterile, stressful set of movements.

• Your reasons for exercising in the first place shift - rather than losing weight or building muscle to make yourself feel acceptable, good enough or worthy, it shifts to a feeling of building your body strength to do more of what delights you in life.

• You just exercise for the pure joy of it.

And the point is you can decide and choose this new consciousness and perspective. You can invite it in. Those are just a few suggestions. Make up your own, explore what works for you.

And you can apply to this to everything and anything in life…

So, what is really happening here? 

Well, you’re beginning to witness yourself in a more truthful light. 

There can not be self-love without true witnessing. 

But to witness yourself in a more truthful light takes a little work and practice. If you’re somebody that has practised self-judgement and criticism your whole life, then it makes sense that it might take a little while to practise self-love, right?

And maybe you could even benefit from a little support…

This is where my work with Rapid Transformational Hypnotherapy can really help. I support my clients to decondition the parts of themselves that have practised self-criticism, judgement and unkindness and to give birth to parts of themselves that are kinder, softer, accpeting and more self-loving.

Which leads me onto the second aspect of self-love.

Self-Love is Really self-acceptance

Sometimes, in my own life and with my clients, I will swap the words “self-love” with “self-acceptance”.

We spend so much of our lives and energy focussing on the parts of us that we’d rather not be there, and the aspects of ourselves that aren’t up to scratch or good enough.

We are often desperate to cut away the parts of ourselves that cause us pain, challenge and struggle.

I know in my own life as someone who has struggled deeply with ADHD and neurodiversity, that I have carried a lot of blame, shame and guilt for the aspects of me that feel like a failure and a disappointment - the parts of me I’d rather just disappear. I spent many years going to bed every night thankful to disappear from myself praying I’d wake up a different person with a different brain.

But on my path of healing and transformation I’ve realised that the key to healing and to true self-love is actually not needing to fix the parts of me that I think are broken, but to radically accept those parts and give them more love, not less.

And it turns out that some of those parts of me that previously felt like a curse are actually my greatest gifts. I just didn’t know how to channel them efficiently. So I had to learn.

And yes, some of those parts continue to challenge me and cause me suffering, but that’s ok. It’s part of the human condition. I’m quite skilled by this point at using those challenges as portals for learning and self-exploration.

the key to self-love

Surely, we all want to get rid of the bits of us that we don’t like, tho?!

Well, there are nuances to this...

Absolutely, we do want to transmute the unhelpful thought patterns, harmful habits and damaging loops we find ourselves in. 

But my experience has shown me time and time again, that the only way to let those patterns, habits and loops dissolve is by:

1. Fully accepting, without judgement, that we have them.

2. Holding them and ourselves with tenderness and love.

3. Learning to become the container that is able to let them be felt, seen and experienced.

4. Realising that those parts of ourselves are powerful portals into transformation that must be listened to.

It is miraculous what becomes available when you allow yourself to sit and truly feel the burning fires of envy, hate, resentment, bitterness, sadness and whatever other feelings and emotions may be lurking in the basement of your inner-self.

We get taught that feeling such feelings is a terrible thing and makes you a bad person.

But as you realise that these feelings, emotions and thoughts are not who you are in your depths, but an energy within you trying to find its own release, you begin to experience an unlocking and unleashing of clarity, power and wisdom.

And if you’re ready to truly do the work, you learn that the treasure at the centre of those parts of you is pure wisdom.

You start walking the path of deep listening to all parts of yourself, all aspects of your psyche with patience and understanding, listening to what those parts are really calling you into and trying to show you.

And this is self-love at work; listening, holding and responding with clarity, resourcefulness and wisdom.

Every challenge you face becomes an opportunity for growth, learning, healing and self-love. 

Is it easy? No.

Is it straight forward? No.

Will you always get it right? No.

Are we allowed to mess up, be imperfect and get it wrong? Yes!

Is it all worth it? Absolutely.

You become the author and director of your own life, no longer bashed around like a pinball in a pinball machine, helpless to the fires of emotions, thoughts and feelings within you.

Self-Love Is Self-Seeing

And then, the third piece to this puzzle is the acknowledgement of your innate gifts, your goodness and your divine qualities.

So much time is spent giving energy to where we aren’t good enough that we haven’t learned to see, feel and express the radiance, goodness and beauty of ourselves.

We grow up hearing “don’t blow your own trumpet”, “get back in your lane” and “don’t be over confident”.

Sadly we learned to put the trumpet away and hide it from ourselves and world.

What’s the point in having a trumpet if you can’t play the exquisite melody of who you are loud, proud and strong?

So what is self-love?

• Self-love is a feeling, a sensation and a knowing that you cultivate inside yourself as you go about the world doing what you do. It’s the energy you do things with, not the doing of the thing itself.

• Self-love is the radical acceptance of the parts of us we don’t like and the parts of us that struggle. It’s holding those parts with kindness as they teach us the wisdom at their centre.

• Self-love is the recognition of the unique magic we hold within us, the beauty, the gifts, the goodness and the light that shines even when we can’t see it ourselves.

This is Self-Love.

Love Gary x